What is required to appreciate this: A sense of humor and at least a surface level familiarity with Nietzsche.
Hopefully you'll laugh harder the more Nietzsche you know. Enjoy!
Why I Write Such Great Columns
To follow the words of that crazy mustached German who famously penned, “God is dead!” so long ago, we must overcome the spirit of gravity and laugh and dance and be light-footed! So read on and laugh my fellow children!
Many a reader of mine has wondered, just what is it that makes me so damn good? Well my brothers and sisters, it is clear, genius!
Schopenhauer once said, “Talent hits a target no-one else can hit; genius hits targets no-one else can see.” Clearly, the mark I am hitting is invisible…even to my eyes. That is of no concern however, because you Kant see it either.
Once when I was a young lad, I fell off my bicycle and skinned my knee. Now I am biking 20 miles a day. A parable for the young and old alike.
You may be wondering, my brothers and sisters, just where is this going? Well don’t worry, you shall find out…soon…well, soon enough. When it happens and is there, you’ll get it. Oh blessed be eternity! Blessed indeed! I am forever lusting after the nuptial ring of rings, for I love you, O eternity!
You may not know this, my fellow warriors in arms, but it is a Marx of the Elvin philosophy to put Descartes before the horse. When they do this, they not only see the sun clearer and brighter, but also they do what no one else has accomplished—skeptical shopping! Only if you can “clearly and distinctly perceive” the dress is it really there.
To the devil with Wal-mart! Underpaid unter-menschen handing me my bread and water and socks, soon indeed they shall be replaced—the robot revolution, it is coming, oh yes, it is coming! I am the herald of the revolution, hear me roar! (Meow?)
To the devil with “Girls Gone Wild” videos! $19.99? Outrageous! All I need is a few singles, and I get the live version…hell, quarters work too in some establishments.
To the devil with Universities and Colleges across the nation! They teach our young how to mimic, not how to be. They teach imitation and rules and regulations, they do not stimulate the mind and brains of the young! Much of the educational system needs reform. But to quote Twain, “I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.”
To the devil with clothes! Such garments should have remained with Adam and Steve, those two Greek fools. Nothing is wrong with staying warm, but clothing has become a staple of life—going shopping is now something to do for fun! No longer is purchasing an item done out of necessity, it is done out of boredom!
To the devil with boredom!! Next thing you know, people will be saying “it’s for the children!” or “Drink milk, it’s good for you!”
To end this great column, I submit you to an aphorism. May it color your days and create that incomprehensible laughter and joy that we all deserve.
Human Stupidity- It may be hard to believe we come from apes, but Darwin Awards are given out – no, excuse me: they are earned – every year, and countless unsung idiots would doubtless qualify for them if reporting were more complete. We will kill ourselves in seconds sometimes. More often, however it takes us longer, as our plans are less well drawn out. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves with poor choices in sexual partners, stocks, horses or education, but we always find ways to destroy ourselves. If nothing else, this proves that we are not in fact the result of Intelligent Design – unless God is a half-assed fuck-up who couldn't even stop humans from creating nuclear weapons – something that can destroy all life as we know it. Man was not meant to have such power. And in the end, human stupidity will win over human vanity.